I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I want a musical about memes.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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