Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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