In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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