Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Why are your pants in the freezer?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
