I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I bet he comes in French.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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