hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
