T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
