Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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