omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize