I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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