Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
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