For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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