Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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