it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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