Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
