Just took my morning after pill in the library
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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