Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
