i need an iv and a liver transplant
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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