Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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