she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Randomize
