i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Randomize