3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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