OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
