Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
