Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
