It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
