I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
