I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
