Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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