I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Did I show you my penis last night?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
