My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
