My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
