Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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