the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
