I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
