I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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