I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
