I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
