thus making me awesome and them whores
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize