just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
