guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
