I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize