i would punch a child for taco bell
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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