I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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