I wish I could teleport
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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