i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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