Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Sext me about skeletons
Randomize
