I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
