There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
