does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
