How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
