easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
