You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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