I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
