Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
