Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
