Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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