$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
