that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
