I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
