I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I'm passing your future prison.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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