You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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