note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
