my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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