Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
