i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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