she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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