i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
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