I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I want a musical about memes.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
