My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
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