haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
